St. Jimmy Part 2

More NBA Teams as Green Day Songs

One year ago, inspired by the concurrence of Jimmy Butler forcing his way out of Miami and personally seeing Green Day in concert, I wrote St. Jimmy, comping half of the NBA to songs by God’s favorite band. The Warriors were St. Jimmy, the Heat were Good Riddance (Time of My Life). The Lakers, fresh off the Luka trade, were Welcome to Paradise, while the Mavericks were Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Shai was Jesus of Suburbia, Jokić was an Extraordinary Girl, DeMar DeRozan was [She’s] a Rebel, and LaMelo was All by [Him]self.

I made a half-hearted promise to return with part two for the other half of the league, not really intending to follow up. But here we are. Green Day was back in the spotlight at the Super Bowl, and back at the forefront of my Spotify rotation, so now we’re back with NBA Teams as Green Day Songs: Part 2.

I’m not doing any repeats, in teams or songs, so get ready for some deep cuts (i.e., songs off albums other than Dookie and American Idiot). They’re still all bangers.¹

Detroit Pistons: Underdog

I wanna be your underdog
I’m not number one, but I’m second to none
Heroes are overrated when you are the outlaw
‘Cause I wanna be your underdog

Let’s start with the biggest surprise in the NBA, and the best team that I did not write about last time. The Detroit Pistons came into the season with the 11th best odds to win the championship, basically tied with the Dallas Mavericks. The Pistons have won 21 more games than the Mavericks, and currently own the best record in the league.²

Most people would still pick the Thunder, or even the Nuggets, Celtics, Knicks, or Cavaliers to win it all ahead of the Pistons, but it’s undeniable by the way they’re playing, and in the standings, they’re “second to none”. I’m sure Cade Cunningham, Texas born and raised, loves playing the role of “outlaw”.

Underdog was too perfect a song match, but State of Shock was a close second. This Pistons team is the best basketball the city of Detroit has seen since their WNBA team, the three-time champion Detroit Shock, moved to Tulsa in 2009. Plus, for a team that wears black, blue, and red and isn’t getting as much respect in the contender conversation as their record suggests they should, these lyrics are pretty spot on:

I’m black and blue and I’m in the red
And the silence is so loud, should I be concerned?

Cleveland Cavaliers: Hitchin’ a Ride

Hey, mister, where you headed?
Are you in a hurry?
Need a lift to happy hour
…
There’s a drought at the fountain of youth
Now I’m dehydrated
…
(Don’t know where I’m goin’) Hitchin’ a ride
(Don’t know where I’m goin’) Hitchin’ a ride

While the Pistons ran away with the East, the Cleveland Cavaliers, preseason favorites in the conference, stumbled out of the gates. Darius Garland wasn’t himself, dealing with a nagging toe injury, so they shipped him out to LA and hitched their wagon to James Harden, hoping he can give them a lift to the promised land. That’s an interesting choice for a team that has had plenty of regular season success but repeated disappointment in the Playoffs.

Regardless of whether or not you think James Harden will finally overcome his own playoff struggles and win a title in Cleveland, it is a win-now move by General Manager Mike Gansey. Harden is a decade older than Garland and soon the Cavs may face the “drought at the fountain of youth”.

Chicago Bulls: Redundant

We’re livin’ in repetition
Content in the same old shtick again
Now the routine’s turnin’ to contention
Like a production line goin’ over and over and over, roller coaster

Now I cannot speak
I’ve lost my voice
I’m speechless and redundant ‘cause “I love you”’s not enough
I’m lost for words

The Chicago Bulls just traded most of their team for nine second round draft picks and so many combo guards.

Colin Sexton, Anfernee Simons, and Jaden Ivy are all 6’3” Shooting Guards. Rob Dillingham is a 6’2” Point Guard who got traded because he should be a Shooting Guard but the Timberwolves already have one of those. What I’m saying is their roster is a bit redundant.

The Bulls have been stuck repeating mediocrity like no other team in the NBA, heading for their fourth straight Play-In Tournament appearance. At least they’re doing something with all this roster upheaval, but it’s not going to help them contend and I’m “lost for words” to describe the group of players Chicago has collected.

Milwaukee Bucks: Drama Queen

Hey, little drama queen
From New York to San Francisco
Everyone’s drama queen
I think she’s going psycho

Giannis treated the entire NBA trade deadline as an opportunity to stir the pot, whether because he actually wants a “new home” or for more nefarious reasons. He was the NBA’s drama queen for two months, getting near every team in the league, from the Knicks in New York to the Warriors in San Francisco, to pay attention to him.

Also, I’d just like to note that Green Day has a song called Shoplifter (cough Ryan Rollins cough).

Phoenix Suns: Troublemaker

Wanna be a troublemaker
Wanna be a troublemaker
Wanna be a troublemaker
Wanna be a troublemaker

Ryan Rollins may have been a troublemaker in his days in Washington, but the Phoenix Suns have undoubtedly been the troublemakers of the NBA in recent years. Billy Joe repeats this line four times in the chorus, so let’s recap four ways the Suns have caused trouble:

1. Obviously, Dillon Brooks. He just received a one-game suspension for picking up his 16th technical foul of the season in his 49th game. That’s a tech every three games. That’s on par with peak Draymond Green.

2. Mat Ishbia has been stirring up trouble (mostly for himself) since buying the team. His assertion that 26 other NBA GMs “would trade their whole team for our whole team” aged extremely poorly extremely quickly, as the Suns finished last season as the only team without a playoff / play-in spot or a lottery pick in the draft.

3. The team overall is messing with the West standings. After the failed Kevin Durant, Bradley Beal experiment last year, the Suns were supposed to be bad. Instead they’re well over 0.500, on pace to over-perform their preseason win total by even more than the Pistons, and sitting comfortably in seventh place.

4. And who could forget the Suns in-arena DJ remixing Steve Kerr’s noise complaint into a beat. Speaking of Steve Kerr …

Golden State Warriors: X-Kid

Hey, little kid, did you wake up late one day?
And you’re not so young …
And you’re numb to your old glory, but now it’s gone
…
Hey, X-Kid, bombs away
Here goes nothin’,
…
Oh, I don’t wanna think about tomorrow
Don’t wanna think about the old

The Warriors are old. Steph Curry still has the youthful exuberance of a kid, which is awesome, but he’s turning 38 next month. Draymond turned 36 today (happy birthday Draymond!). Jimmy Butler is 36 and injured. Their big offseason pick-up, Al Horford, is 39. The Warriors’ glory days are behind them.

But you know what? Bombs away. Shoot your threes Stephen Curry. Do your “night night” celebration. Don’t think about tomorrow or next season, just enjoy watching the greatest shooter of all-time fire away.

Los Angeles Clippers: You Lied

Well reality is due
What you say just can’t be true
When the story’s stretched and so far fetched
That you’re lacking an excuse, you lied

On to the NBA’s other old team, and, despite strong showings from Giannis and Dillon Brooks, probably the most scandalous.

This may be presumptuous. Wachtell Lipton, the law firm the NBA hired to investigate the Clippers over Kawhi Leonard’s alleged tree-planting, cap circumvention scheme may find nothing. But I trust fellow Substacker Pablo Torre, and to me it seems like Steve Ballmer lied.

Indiana Pacers: Nice Guys Finish Last

Nice guys finish last
You’re runnin’ out of gas
Your sympathy will get you left behind
Sometimes, you’re at your best
When you feel the worst
…
Oh, nice guys finish last
When you are the outcast
Don’t pat yourself on the back, you might break your spine

Maybe the Pacers should have lied a bit more, though I don’t know that even peak Kawhi Leonard could salvage their season. People generally like and respect Pascal Siakam, Andrew Nembhard, Rick Carlisle and company, and rooted for them throughout their cinderella run to the NBA Finals last year.

This year, they have the fourth worst record in the league.

Maybe they’re learning this “nice guys” lesson though. The organization was just fined $100,000 for violating the Player Participation Policy in their tank-off against the Utah Jazz in an attempt to actually finish last.

Portland Trail Blazers: Best Thing in Town

Come with me and let’s go for a ride
Follow me out to the other side
As I sit around and watch you pout

‘Cause I know that you’re the best thing in town
Best thing around
Best thing in town

Outside of Nike, Powell’s Books, and Voodoo Doughnuts, there’s not a ton going on in Portland, Oregon, at least compared to most NBA cities. But hey, the Trail Blazers are ok! They’re about 0.500 and going to have a chance to make the Playoffs through the Play-In game. Plus, with Deni Avdija, they have their first non-Dame Lillard All-Star since 2015, and Scoot Henderson is just now coming back. Fun times!

That said, I’m not even sure this team is the best thing in town, given the Portland Thorns finished 3rd in the NWSL last season. Also, the Cap’n Crunch doughnut looks pretty good.

Atlanta Hawks: Fire Ready Aim

Ready, aim, fire, fire, ready, aim
Ready, aim, fire, fire, ready, aim

I’m not sure what the Hawks long-term plan is here. They are currently in 10th place in the East, heading for their fifth straight play-in tournament appearance. They traded away their franchise star in Trae Young for a couple of decent shooters, then traded away their two best shooters. They traded away Kristaps Porziņģis six months after trading for him. In return they got Jonathan Kuminga, an athletic wing who duplicates a lot of what their best player, Jalen Johnson, already gives them.

The team seems to be making moves without a broader strategy. Anthony Edwards was caught commenting on the plethora of wings in Atlanta, but hey maybe the Hawks will stumble into getting Ant to come play for his hometown team.

Houston Rockets: No One Knows

Why should my fun have to end?
For me, it’s only the beginning
See my friends begin to age
A short countdown to their end

Call me irresponsible
Call me habitual
But when you think of me
Do you fill your head with schemes?
Better think again, ‘cause no one knows

Here’s how Tom Ziller of Good Morning It’s Basketball closed his take on the Houston Rockets title chances: “It’s never pretty but this team has won at a good clip and is figuring out life after Steven Adams. Maybe. Sort of. I don’t know.” No one knows, Tom. No one knows.

Fred Van Fleet is out for the season. Steven Adams is out for the season. Their friend Kevin Durant is aging. But why should their fun have to end? This team still thinks they can win it all with their current group; they were one of only three teams who made 0 moves at the trade deadline. Maybe that’s irresponsible, maybe it’s habitual but we won’t know until their season ends, for better or worse.

Orlando Magic: Dilemma

Welcome to my problems
It’s not an invitation
This is my dilemma
And it’s my obsession

The Orlando Magic haven’t cracked the top-20 in offensive rating in nearly 15 years. That’s their problem. Over the years they’ve brought in a rotating cast of shooters to try to address the problem: Nikola Vučević, Tobias Harris, Channing Frye, Arron Afflalo, Joe Ingles, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, and this season, Desmond Bane. You could say trying to find an outside threat has been their “obsession”.

The more pressing dilemma the Magic face is between their Power Forwards. As I wrote about last month, Paolo Banchero and Franz Wagner are becoming interchangeable on an underperforming team, and the front office may need to make a difficult decision this offseason between the two, non-shooting, and maybe undesirable options.

Toronto Raptors: Waiting

I’ve been waiting a lifetime
For this moment to come, I’m
Destined for anything at all
Dumbstruck, color me stupid
Good luck, you’re gonna need it
Where I’m going, if I get there at all
Wake up!
You better thank your lucky stars!

Green Day doesn’t have any songs about Canada. They don’t “rap”. I thought maybe there’d be a play on IQ, Immanuel Quickley’s nickname, but Green Day songs are mostly about being dumb not smart. They don’t have any songs about dinosaurs; Brain Stew was used in the Godzilla soundtrack, but that felt like a stretch.

Honestly, I’m kind of waiting for the Raptors to do something more interesting and worth talking about via Green Day lyrics. They’re fifth in the East, but no one believes they are real contenders (Neil Paine has them at a 0.4% chance of winning the title). They’ll need a lot of luck to win a second round Playoff series, if they get there at all.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Lazy Bones

I don’t want your sympathy
I don’t want your honesty
I just wanna get some peace of mind
It’s only in my head
As I roll over and play dead
I don’t wanna hear it anymore

The Timberwolves are another team that’s hard to pin down. They’ve made the last two conference finals, and are currently just a few games out of the top three in the West. Yet, the team doesn’t seem to have the same sense of urgency that’s propelled them in recent years. They’re an even 0.500 against teams over 0.500, as well as in clutch games.

The team feels lazy. Oh, and they have a guy named Bones. Lazy Bones!

Memphis Grizzlies: Homecoming

In the streets of shame
Where you’ve lost your dreams in the rain
There’s no signs of hope
The stems and seeds of the last of the dope
There’s a glow of light
The St. Jimmy is the spark in the night
Bearing gifts and trust
A fixture in the city of lust
…
In the crowd of pain
St. Jimmy comes without any shame
He says, “We’re fucked up, but we’re not the same
And Mom and Dad are the ones you can blame”
…
Jesus fillin’ out paperwork now
At the facility on East 12th Street
He’s not listening to a word now
He’s in his own world and he’s daydreaming
He’d rather be doin’ somethin’ else now
…
Nobody likes you, everyone left you
They’re all out without you, havin’ fun
…
Home, we’re comin’ home again

Apologies for the long excerpt, but this is my favorite Green Day song so I had to give it proper attention. Plus, you can actually see a lot of the Memphis Grizzlies story in the lyrics:

• Where you’ve lost your dreams in the rain / There’s no signs of hope: The Grizzlies officially gave up hope for this season when they traded Jaren Jackson Jr. for young players and picks. For a team that was the #2 seed in the conference late last season, that’s quite a drop.

• The St. Jimmy is the spark in the night / Bearing gifts and trust / A fixture in the city of lust: And yet they still have their franchise focal point, Ja Morant. Maybe it’s because there wasn’t a market (nobody likes you), another team willing to take on a small, disengaged, controversial Guard, but maybe it’s because Memphis still trusts him.

• He says, “We’re fucked up, but we’re not the same / And Mom and Dad are the ones you can blame”: Ja has publicly feuded with his head coach (aka the team’s “Dad”), and would likely place most of the blame for the Grizzlies’ dropoff on him.

• He’s not listening to a word now / He’s in his own world and he’s daydreaming / He’d rather be doin’ somethin’ else now: Hence, the disengagement in team meetings and on the court. It’s looked at times like Ja would rather be anywhere else than the FedEx Forum.

• They’re all out without you, havin’ fun: Remember when the whole team went to a World Series game without Ja. Good times.

• Home, we’re comin’ home again: And yet Ja remains in Memphis, the only NBA home he’s known.

Welp, we did it. 30 Green Day Songs for 30 NBA Teams. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for indulging me. Now go listen to American Idiot.

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1. If you’re more into pop than punk, I’ve still got something for you.

2. This was written on February 20, before I headed off into the Western Australian outback.